Following the findings of a report that Ireland spends up to €2.2bn a year on takeaway food, comes the news that most of the spending can be traced back to a Drumcondra shared house in Dublin.
While the average household typically orders three takeaways in a month, a unique combination of high hangover volumes and appalling laziness has seen the residents of 24 Birch Drive overshadow everyone else.
« Tesco tube is shit and it’s a five minute walk, can you blame me? » explained flatmate Ger Thomas, whose Deliveroo order history could solve all current and historic famines.
For Ger and his flatmates Jack Keeley, Rhys Kelly and Eoin Bradden excuses for turning to their local takeaways have included ‘no clean cooking utensils’, ‘hangover’ and ‘I’m still in my twenties so my metabolism needs to still fuck me’.
« It’s easy to do, take it out before a night out, kebab on your way home, too drunk to remember you ate it all, emergency burrito for breakfast, » the guys said describing a typical day.
Far from feeling ashamed of the news that they consume more unhealthy calories than a bin at McDonalds, teens are encouraging more people to up their take-out intake.
“One time Jack was here alone for the weekend and since he hadn’t ordered a Dominos in 12 hours, the Dominos guys called an ambulance at his house to check on him. There is nothing better than such a service,” explained Ger.
Several delivery drivers who are known for home sharing have said they feel conflicted about their jobs.
“The fat guy, he always gets two cans of coke but I know the two curries are just for him. I feel like a drug dealer giving someone a lethal dose of heroin, I don’t want anything to do with it,” said one driver, who despite completing over 300 home deliveries has only received €2 in accumulated tips.