Whether you’re a Nazi war criminal, a kid violinist, or someone who sings louder than the band at a concert, a link has been found in a brand-new study that found the key to longevity is simply being a hideous bastard.
The newly released paper stated that the absolute scum of society live well into their 80s and 90s and advised committing the most heinous of crimes if you want to become a centenarian.
“Rolf Harris, Robert Mugabe, Henry Kissinger, Rupert Murdoch, Jimmy Saville; all lived horribly depraved existences and yet managed to see the right side of 80,” the report notes, “indeed, we have not found a hidden Nazi war criminal not older than 90 on this planet.”
The findings suggested that the reason for the link between « being a cunt » and « living a long and fruitful life » is because neither heaven nor hell wants them, and they’re herded into some sort of post-70 limbo phase. thanks to a huge backlog of disgusting stings currently residing on earth.
Citing the report’s findings, people from all over the world have now decided to commit terrible crimes in hopes of securing themselves another decade or two.
« I just stabbed a homeless man to death on the street, » American singer Cher announced on her Twitter today, « then later I learned about the results of this new report and now I don’t feel so bad. »