May 8, 2023 – BREAKING NEWS, LIFESTYLE
IN what is believed to be the largest investigation ever launched within the four walls of 23 Riverside Court, Waterford, father of three Declan Heslip has vowed to find out who tampered with the toaster’s perfectly adjusted settings.
« She’s been an untameable beast for so long, you know the blood, sweat and tears it took for me to get the settings right? » Heslip lectured his wife and children who had gathered in the kitchen.
“I had to pet her, talk to her, watch her set fire to a dozen Brennan frying pans before I found Nirvana toast,” said Heslip, who had never considered replacing the dangerously malfunctioning and wayward 12-year-old toaster.
With no witnesses or perpetrators willing to come forward, Heslip had to shed his bad cop facade and transition to an even more bad cop in an effort to get answers.
“Don’t tell me ‘the cat might have jumped on the kitchen counter and done’ shit. That shade of tan was the one thing I had going for me, my lifeline during the stress and chaos that engulfs this house and one of you has ruined it,” Heslip said, perhaps taking it too seriously.
With his repeated visions of Knives Out and the Glass Onion to aid him in his investigation, Heslip was nowhere near arresting the perpetrator, but he now spoke with a Southern accent.
