May 23, 2023 – BREAKING NEWS, WORLD NEWS
New HARROWING research has shown that the populations of more than 50% of the world’s animal species are now in decline, with the exception of wasps which are somehow becoming more common and even more stinging than ever before.
Those looking for a silver lining to what is being described as « the sixth mass extinction-level event in the history of the planet » have been bitterly disappointed as the news points towards a future filled with ecological turmoil and not a single pristine family picnic. or barbecue.
Scientists working on the report confirmed that while hundreds of species of cute Amazonian frogs and lizards could be wiped out in the coming years, we will still see plenty of:
– Not just wasps, but many other annoying flying and stinging bastards, like flying ants and hornets. Bees, vital pollinators that rarely sting anyone, are cruelly not on this list.
– Big butt spiders, from the Biggus Fuckingus Spiderus family. In fact, there may be a huge spider in your hair right now.
« That damned dog down the street, the one that barks all day long nonstop? » Yeah, that fucking thing will outlast you. Even your mom’s cat, the one she’s had since 9/11 that can barely function? It will also be fine.
– Humans, all while debating who is to blame for all of this while also denying that it is happening in the first place.
